I’ve never had anything against bargain shopping. I’ve been to Wal-mart, Big Lots, and even Goodwill with my only intention being to save a buck or two. Sure, I could probably buy the same item somewhere else for just a bit more, and there’s always that little voice in my head that says “RED RUM” (whatever that means) whenever I enter a Wal-mart, but saving a few dollars is often the difference between having a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger vs. having the whole Baconator™ for dinner. But when it comes to bargain shopping, there’s one place that toys with my emotions like no other — the dollar store.

I don’t know what it is about the dollar store, but I alway end up feeling guilty, depressed, and somehow in awe of the complexities of the retail trade every time I walk out with my cheap plastic bag full of dollar store loot. Could it be the cashier who probably has four kids she’s trying to take care of on a dollar store wage? (which I always assume is around $1 per hour). Could it be the somehow endless supply of off-brand products like Nootrageena Shampoo, Enerjizah batteries, and Doritoes? Maybe it’s the zombie-like people with their baskets full of mexican jesus candles, decorative napkins, get well cards, and Krest brand toothpaste. Or maybe it’s just because I know that the only way they can sell this stuff for a dollar is because someone, somewhere, is slapping a Planterz Peenutz label on a can for 10 cents an hour.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. All I know is that if I can go through life never feeling like that again, I’d gladly pay $1.88 for anything I could possibly find at a dollar store. Happy holidays.

Sure, Christmas is about caring, sharing and being with loved ones - I won’t deny that - but let’s be honest with ourselves and admit that the “getting stuff” part is pretty cool too. This is especially true when you’re a kid and it takes all the self-restraint you can muster to keep from opening every single present under the tree as soon as you’re left alone, and digging through the house for unwrapped presents was as much a Christmas tradition as decorating the tree. Unfortunately, finding gifts that sucked could destroy your Christmas long before the festivities really began. Now that I look back, a Go-Bot is really not all that much worse than a Transformer (I suppose) but at the time that little robot/car jacked up my life pretty bad. It amazing how many gifts, good and bad, I can still remember from my childhood and I thought I’d take the time to share a few of them with you. My hope is that I’m not the only one to go to bed Christmas day feeling like Santa punched my soul. So, here it goes (with approximate year included):

Gifts that made me cry on the inside even though I had to smile for the picture:

1. a world globe (‘86) - a pretty nice globe, but still a globe
   
2. Duplo blocks (‘88) - Duplo?! What, am I five years old?
   
3. skateboard (‘89) - Great, I’ll take this down the sledding hill. Your bad.
   
4. board games (‘90) - They must have not heard the “video” part
   
5. art supplies (‘91) - WTF?! 
   

Gifts that made me really believe in Jesus:

1. Castle Grayskull (‘83) - because every hero needs a home
   
2. Optimus Prime (‘84) - they must have figured out that Go-Bots were lame
   
3. BB Gun (‘85) - someone needed to protect the family
   
4. 3 ft. Radio Controlled Boat (‘87) - nobody was safe in the water
   
5. Sega Master System w/ 3D glasses (‘89) - screw Nintendo — this was 3D
   

So, there you have it. A little walk down memory lane. I could add quite a few more, but these are the few that really molded me into the person I am today. The mixed emotions I’m feeling right now are indescribable. I think I’m going to go lay down.